Sept 5

Cycle day: 6

Morning temp: 35.99

Time taken: 6:15

Cervical mucus/period: spotting

Cervix position/firmness/openness: high, firm, closed

OPK:

Ovarian observations (!):

Mood:

Energy:

Libido:

Emotional well-being practice:

Physical well-being/exercise:

Dietary supplements:

Other:r pain. my 30th birthday!!

Holding the faith.

 Yesterday: untold stress, overwhelm, tears, then….a surprise birthday party! Had such a good time, relaxed, will write more about it tomorrow. Have relaxed today as well, but then back to thinking/reading about the things that stressed me yesterday, and am left feeling so tired and emotional. I keep thinking of ringing Kleinette and booking a one-off session, because I just need to have a good weep.

Our appointment at the fertility clinic was yesterday. We never expected IVF to be offered as a first treatment – they briefly explained all the options, and because we’ve never discussed IVF we went ahead with a more in-depth look at stimulated cycle IUI. I will write technical explanations when I don’t feel so fucked up.

At any rate, I think we are seriously considering IVF. If I am willing to donate half my eggs, I get the treatment at a hugely reduced cost – and the success rates are five times that of a natural cycle IUI. This makes IVF both more affordable and much more attractive as far as outcomes go.

I’m just overwhelmed by the idea of daily injections, suppositories, little egg-babies in a petri dish who don’t survive, little egg-babies in my womb who don’t burrow right into my uterine lining. I am in excellent health. I am not an infertile woman. All of my scans have been excellent, my hormone levels are kickin’, and there is always a chance I could conceive without going through IVF. But we only have enough money for three attempts.

IVF success rate at this clinic is 50-55%, and the consultant said because I’m so young it would be nearer to the 55% mark. I also have no reason to believe that I couldn’t support a pregnancy, as I am fertile – unlike many women who go through IVF.

Egg sharing means more tests to make sure I’m not carrying a freaky disease, which pushes the timeline back. I don’t think I mind.

Yesterday I felt so overwhelmed that when we left the clinic I started crying on the street and told TMD I don’t want to do this anymore – I just want to adopt.

I don’t know what the point of this entry is….venting, I suppose. Offloading. The sorts of things I would be saying to Kleinette if I was sitting on her couch. I don’t want to have to be logical. Logic tells me that we should definitely do IVF – and I am happy with that choice. Despite that, I still feel scared, upset, and confused.

All I/we wanted was a baby. I never thought when I was growing up that it would be this fucking involved. Babymaking is, inherantly, supposed to be an intimate act that brings pleasure. I suppose I am mourning the fact that TMD and I have to do it differently.

I just wish I could know it would work.

 

OH. I’ll tell you one more thing, though. Nichiren Buddhism talks about something called sancho shima. I won’t pretend to be incredibly philosophical, but merely say that this means that when you are about to make a very strong step in life, life invariably throws up obstacles. Getting to the clinic yesterday was unbelieveable. We almost missed the fucking appointment, perhaps more details later.

Anyway, I was chanting in my head – the first chanting I’ve done in ages – to arrive by 12. When we finally made it into the city and got on public transport, guess who sat down across from us? A woman reading a book about Nichiren Buddhism – which has NEVER happened before.

Perhaps this is me striving to make coincidence meaningful, but it felt pretty fucking profound, I can tell you. We also made it to the clinic exactly at 12.

Help!

I’ve been referred for a laparoscopy – but it is kind of optional. Basically, I’ve had abdominal pain since 19 July (the birth date of my niece, incidentally. Being a counsellor I have to ask myself if there is some sort of psychological basis for this pain!) and my doctor can’t find a reason for it. I’ve had blood tests, urine tests, been admitted to hospital for observation, two abdominal scans, and two transvaginal scans.

The next step is exploratory surgery.

My doctor said there is no reason to not try for pregnancy for next month. While ‘something strange’ is going on, he really seems to think it’s not a potentially bad something strange. He then said that unfortunately things would need to get more invasive – meaning the laparoscopy. It sounded like it was up to me.

I’ve just booked for a surgical assessment on 22 Sept, but am debating whether or not to have this surgery. I know it is the right thing to do, as if something is wrong – particularly something that could affect a baby or my fertility – I should get it sorted out now. But postponing babymaking by another month? Ouch.

Any feedback welcome, even though I know no one reads this!

Thursday, sept cycle day 5

Cycle day: 5

Morning temp: 36.22

Time taken: 6:15

Cervical mucus/period: spotting

Cervix position/firmness/openness: high, firm, med (the only thing i ever know for sure is when it’s high!)

OPK:

Ovarian observations (!):

Mood: good

Energy: normal…to low?

Libido:

Emotional well-being practice:

Physical well-being/exercise: walk to/from work. mega walk at lunchtime.

Dietary supplements: omega-3, baby vitamin

Other: hardcore r pain just in the last hour or so. is the three pm thing happening every day, or am i crazy? light noticeable discomfort all day.

This is my last day in my twenties.

Wednesday, Sept

Cycle day: 4

Morning temp: 35.88

Time taken: 5:05 am

Cervical mucus/period: spotting

Cervix position/firmness/openness: high, med, closed

OPK:

Ovarian observations (!):

Mood: up, inspired.

Energy: good throughout the day, but totally done in by about 8:30 pm

Libido:

Emotional well-being practice:

Physical well-being/exercise: walk to/from work. walk home from work.

Dietary supplements: baby vitamin, omega-3

Other: sharp, strong r pain while walking to work. Back at work after annual leave with my sister/TMD. shra r pain walking home from work. noticeable throughout the evening. is this related to the pilates??

came out to my boss about trying for a baby soon. went okay!

Fertility Friend Aug chart

Is it me, or do my temps not actually match the day I apparently ovulated? I was on lots of Ibuprofen, I guess…any help?

Snip-shots.

A woman is considered pregnant from the first day of her period in the cycle she conceives. So while she may not actually be pregnant until halfway through that cycle, the amount of weeks she is pregnant WILL include those first two weeks.

I’m on the third day of my period now. This is the last cycle – unless something goes terribly wrong – when we will not be trying for a baby. That means that if the IUI was successful next month, I would be technically pregnant a month from now.

That’s all.

Wednesday, the day of nothingness.

Cycle day: 3

Morning temp: 36.07

Time taken: 5:40

Cervical mucus/period: virtually nothing am or early afternoon. keep ya posted.

Cervix position/firmness/openness: med, med, med ??

OPK:

Ovarian observations (!):

Mood: middling.

Energy: middling.

Libido: 1 – afternoon

Emotional well-being practice: morning snuggles with TMD.

Physical well-being/exercise: Pilates.

Dietary supplements:

Other: very mindful of ‘baby body’ – that is, that what I’m eating right now could be affecting my fertility as well as the environment for a little wee baby. Trying to not eat shit that would not benefit a baby, as I hopefully need to be in the habit!!

Monday, Blondie’s last day here!! *sob*

Cycle day: 2

Morning temp: 35.92

Time taken: 6:15

Cervical mucus/period: light period

Cervix position/firmness/openness: high/med, med, closed

OPK:

Ovarian observations (!):

Mood: EXCELLENT. Except for that godawful long drive home!

Energy: high as a kite

Libido: snazzy

Emotional well-being practice: finding that island and falling in love, telling my sister I love her, looking at holiday pics with TMD.

Physical well-being/exercise: combing the beach for cool things.

Dietary supplements: baby vitamin, omega-3

Other: r. pain. Went to M. Island. Blondie left.

Not sure whether to put this today or yesterday, but in the middle of the night I woke up with EXTREME r pain. Felt confused as had had bad cramps all day, but it definitely felt distinctly different.

Roll out the guest bedroom, Aunt Flo is here!

Cycle day: 1

Morning temp: 35.97

Time taken: 6:15

Cervical mucus/period: very heavy period all day

Cervix position/firmness/openness:

OPK:

Ovarian observations (!): very heavy cramps all day

Mood: fine?

Energy: low

Libido:

Emotional well-being practice:

Physical well-being/exercise:

Dietary supplements: baby vitamin, omega-3

Other: driving lesson, family over. Had chat with Blondie about being a godparent and having custody if anything bad happened to TMD and myself.